Green Eyed Monster

If anyone you have ever met someone who says they have not ever experience jealousy or insecurity,

A. Lying or

B. In Denial or

C. So new it hasn’t happened yet.

It happens to all of us and even to those in the most secure of relationships. Jealousy is a natural emotion. It’s human nature. It’s not that you won’t feel it, it’s how you deal with it that counts.

The absolute worst thing you can do when you feel that twinge of jealousy is to keep quiet about it. Your partner can’t fix what they don’t know is an issue. If you stay silent it will fester.

As you proceed in the lifestyle you will meet people from every walk of life. You will meet folks of every color, body type, educational level and socioeconomic level. With that being said you will run into people who bring out your own insecurities. Take a look at these examples and see which way you would respond.

Scenario 1

You and your partner meet a couple out for dinner. Your partner and the other spouse click right away, you and their spouse…mmmmm…not so much. You give it the old college try and decide to see where the evening ends. More and more clicking on their end, more and more silence on yours. Now at this point one of two things is going to happen:

A. You will tell your partner that you are not feeling a vibe with the other person and as much as you like they are having fun, you would prefer the evening ends play free.

B. You suck it up, take one for the team, watch your partner have fantastic sex while you are counting dust bunnies on the ceiling then find yourself really, really pissed off at your partner for not understanding what you truly wanted. 

Or how about this lovely gem:

Scenario 2:

You’re at a party when your partner meets a woman who makes you feel like the fat kid at dodge ball camp surrounded by the plastics in mean girls. Even though you are surrounded by others, who do they gravitate towards…….OF COURSE!

You are sure she is perfectly nice, you are sure you could maybe, perhaps, even be friends, yet something about her triggers your insecurities and they now have a megaphone screaming all sorts of horrid shit into your ear. 

Do You:

A. Acknowledge that you are insecure based on previous experiences and try to get to know her before deciding you hate her on site?

B. Tell your partner there is no way in hell, it ain’t happening, it’s time to jet yo, let’s go.

C. Do nothing at all, ignore what you are feeling then find yourself the following week, “dropping coffee on their lap, completely by accident when you see her name pop up on social media, thanking them for a great time?”

See here is the deal. If you stay silent, if you choose to ignore these feelings, they will come back and like a rabid dog, bite you square in the ass. You cannot put blinders on and either give your body away for your partner to have an experience, or deny you are feeling jealous, when you are.

The brains amygdala controls our fight or flight. It is also, what I like to call, our “Lizard Brain”, it is that caveman type of thought process that removes rational thought, replacing it with emotions that sometimes illogical and always difficult to sort.

Jealousy is not necessarily bad if it is something that you can be aware of, talk through, and process why you feel the way you do. Sometimes it is a minor thing, a readjustment in how your partner interacts with you and someone else. Sometimes it is far deeper, triggers from your past experiences that are haunting you in the daylight.

If you can never forget the following, you can get through it, and come out wiser and more confident on the other side:  Your partner chose you. Your partner is in love with you. The day to day intimacies of your lives are what make a life. Someone may have a better body, more money, a bigger cock or a more updated set of tits, in the end, it is who your partner chooses to wake up with and end their nights with that counts. 

Being vulnerable is one of the most intimate things we can do. Telling your partner you are not ok in the moment isn’t weakness, it’s strength. It opens the door for communication that while perhaps not the most comfortable can only help you grow as individuals and a couple.

It can be a powerful, motivating force for growing your relationship or one that can shred it to bits. It’s up to you to decide how you process this emotion and how you get through it as a team.

A WORD OF CAUTION.

If you find that jealousy and insecurity are regular parts of your relationship after lifestyle events, or with one on one couple dates, then you need to reevaluate.

It is natural to feel this from time to time. It is NOT natural to have it be an every day part of your lives. If every text, every date, every interaction with other swingers leaves you feeling more “tummy aching” than “wanna get it on” perhaps this is not the right choice for you as a couple.

NON-MONOGAMOUS PARTNERSHIPS HAVE A SIMPLE FORMULA:

YOU + YOUR PARTNER = 1st Priorities. 
ALL ELSE = Second through communication, boundaries, and rules you each respect and adhere too. 

If every day is a fight, if you used to speak with love but now only through anger, you need to STOP and reevaluate.

Swinging, polyamory, even fetish activities should enhance what you have, not take away from it.

You should feel charged in a good way, knowing that the person you shared your partner with had a small taste of what you receive every single day. Swinging isn’t about control, it is about release.

Sharing yourselves with others so that you reconnect with each other at the end of the day.